Tuesday, June 07, 2016

lost stars

Hi, blog.

It's 2016! It's been more than a decade since I first wrote here!

...from PC, cool laptops, cheap laptops, broken laptops, to phone (now), it's been an unending journey.


I have an interesting thought that follows me these days. The daunting fact that sometimes, someone can be good for you, given only for the right period of time. Maybe, not forever. Whether after that they change, or before the period they were a completely different person, I learn today that change is the only thing constant.

What about it?

I look at myself in the past. My past reflections have revolved from one improvement to another. I learnt over the years that you--or I, to make it less of an accusation, learn to love another human because it appears that they have something I felt I've searched for and just found. The pattern keeps tangling, until (hopefully), at one given point in the future, I fall in love to the complete being that's best tailored for me, in the sort of humanly possible.

Now, I look at myself in the mirror. What have I done to myself? I am a changed girl everytime I post here. I am no longer the 2005 Tessa. Even no longer my 2015 self. I evolve. I adapt to the changes presented to my life. I still hope I could dictate the situation around me, not the other way around--but who am I to run against the universe? Even to run from my current shadow, I cannot do myself.

And then we come to the roughest part. I look to my right side and I no longer see a mirror of myself. I look to my right side and I see a friend, sometimes too entangled to see behind his emotions, sometimes too forceful to look outside his head. I want more love. There I said it. If only there were more love I would guess that the heart wouldn't become so cold it scolds everytime it doesn't get what it wants. Can you grasp how deep actually the cut is already...

And then what?

I don't know. You can pity me for taking so many years and pouring so many stories only to realize such a crystal clear truth that change is the only thing constant. I think I believe in romanticism too much...