Tuesday, June 07, 2016

lost stars

Hi, blog.

It's 2016! It's been more than a decade since I first wrote here!

...from PC, cool laptops, cheap laptops, broken laptops, to phone (now), it's been an unending journey.


I have an interesting thought that follows me these days. The daunting fact that sometimes, someone can be good for you, given only for the right period of time. Maybe, not forever. Whether after that they change, or before the period they were a completely different person, I learn today that change is the only thing constant.

What about it?

I look at myself in the past. My past reflections have revolved from one improvement to another. I learnt over the years that you--or I, to make it less of an accusation, learn to love another human because it appears that they have something I felt I've searched for and just found. The pattern keeps tangling, until (hopefully), at one given point in the future, I fall in love to the complete being that's best tailored for me, in the sort of humanly possible.

Now, I look at myself in the mirror. What have I done to myself? I am a changed girl everytime I post here. I am no longer the 2005 Tessa. Even no longer my 2015 self. I evolve. I adapt to the changes presented to my life. I still hope I could dictate the situation around me, not the other way around--but who am I to run against the universe? Even to run from my current shadow, I cannot do myself.

And then we come to the roughest part. I look to my right side and I no longer see a mirror of myself. I look to my right side and I see a friend, sometimes too entangled to see behind his emotions, sometimes too forceful to look outside his head. I want more love. There I said it. If only there were more love I would guess that the heart wouldn't become so cold it scolds everytime it doesn't get what it wants. Can you grasp how deep actually the cut is already...

And then what?

I don't know. You can pity me for taking so many years and pouring so many stories only to realize such a crystal clear truth that change is the only thing constant. I think I believe in romanticism too much...

Saturday, October 10, 2015


It's my 22nd birthday in 13 days.

I can't help but feel all grown up?

Like my youthful, playful days have passed me by, and here it comes, to what a senior once put it into terms (laughable, at that time), "hidup tak berkesudahan".

I always have this fear in the back of my mind of growing old, miserably old, buried in problems. Unending problems that you don't even realize when it begins. Extracted that from the lives of the elders around me, and I think the scare of this un-coming problems has already rooted into me.

Not sure if anyone else faces the same problem, but here I am admitting it, it's eating me. If I share this to elders most probably some will shrug it off and say, it's the quarter-life crisis. Or say, just live with it, take a deep breath, and get through it.

But I am not sure, it's a thought, it's a fear, and I haven't been able to synthesize the antidote to this fear, let alone fully internalizing it. The "let it flow" mindset.

All I know is that life passes me by, and before you know it, some problems pass.
I can let go of all the work and relationship problems and say "these too shall pass". But I can't let go of my own fear(?).

On top of that, I miss someone so far away now. Doing a long distance relationship with bare minimum contact is so not-Tessa-ish.

Nevertheless, it makes me wonder further though. What if this kind of thing will happen often in life, as we get older, it's the work requirement? Education requirement? etc. etc

WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO ME if that's the case???

So much fear to pour on one post.
Maybe it's true. An idle mind is the devil's workshop. :(

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

take my hand and reload

The title is, "Get Off Me."


The song screams.


The memory comes in.


I picture you coming in.
Reloading in. Screaming in.
...panicking in.

...and "gravity pulled me down."
Still down at you. Still looking at you.
Now even my wall becomes your staring eyes, your familiar face

I want to run away...
I don't own the blank space in me anymore
Do not reload me


now, first post in 2015 has the sad tone to its face. Hello 2015! Thank God for 2014 that had passed. It has been one-TOO-fun year indeed to look back to!

Now in line are several big steps in my life: thesis, applying for a job, etc. wish me luck :')

Sunday, August 10, 2014

fairy tales must have happy endings

Once upon a time, there were a prince and a princess, from two different lands.
They grew up as the best of friends, and fell in love with each other deeply, for they were both of the same background and age; the same kin and friendship; merry and carefree.
On many days they held the sun as if it wouldn't shine anymore on dawn, they lived free, loving each other relentlessly.

Alas, they were pampered, as if the world were theirs. Even, as often times passed by, they went--just the two of them--against the demanding world. But for there were problems, there were solutions, for there were lies, there were hurt.
Madly in love as they seemed, these obstacles put strains on them, sending the couple mad, as they were madly in love, yet madly troubled by the world.

One evening, the princess wished upon the stars, that through all the great demand of the lands she had, she could be with the prince still and all. And the prince, would love to be with her, still and all. That their love were to stand tall, and she could have the fairy tale ending, just like all other princesses before her wished upon the stars. Yet there she was, wishing upon the stars, beneath her, the crashing waves, as she was standing on the tip of the rock on the cliff top. All she had in her heart was the overflowing love, yet buried down in her mind was the frightening thought of the world behind her. The judging and harsh world that had so often made her questioned her own words and options, and most miserably, thoughts. Didn't they say your thoughts and fantasies are your biggest power?, she thought again.

What she didn't know was the true mind of the prince. It bothered her to the extreme, as she actually had pulled great effort to share to the very least bit of her thoughts, that he acclaimed to know her so well, yet to her, the prince's true thoughts lied in the depth of mystery. All she knew that he loved her, but that wasn't the only case, as the cruel world turned to demand so much more than love.

That night, after wishing upon the stars, she tumbled down in her sleep to a long and deep tunnel with memories playing around her. It made her refused the Gods to wake her up, as she found comfort within her exquisite dreams. The princess found happiness in her own memories, without the world demanding against her.

And she ain't no sleeping beauty. There she was, sleeping still.

Monday, July 28, 2014

sucker for romance

I didn't notice that I had people reading this blog up until these past few days. Fortunately some people took the great length to read my writings, yeay? (insert "Phew" emoticon here).

Truth be told, this blog is so full of Is that I kinda start thinking of how much selfishness I've poured out this past few years. That, or the fact that it is so normal to have so many Is in your own journal slash written thoughts. Yeah. To point out my justification (for my own good), apparently some little piece of selfishness is needed here and there on your own space, especially when this world is already full of selfishness on its own. It becomes legit that your thoughts and fantasies are your biggest power.

this post is titled that just because I feel like it, as usual, ditto. I'm a sucker for romance, that I would admit. Even since the beginning of time, my thoughts everywhere are merely about these intense romances.

What's the matter now?
The matter is, ever since the beginning of time, I have been a (not so hopeless) romantic. I have often become so consumed in doing things sweetly that I'd rather not go the extra mile of effort than do it not overly sweet. And like all normal human beings are, we are so often selfish and self-centered, thus we often crave something more in the on-goings of life. And like all the on-goings are, so are my efforts in doing these extra miles. I become self-consumed in the hope of giving and--sometimes--receiving back. This is when and where it all often goes wrong. Pardon my lunatic use of "all" but "often", but I am not always expecting a feedback. But when I do, it drives the fantasy of this sucker for romance crazy for that moment of speaking (therefore, this is, again, exaggerating, really, I can and will always move on later).

If you know you can learn from this sucker, guess you'd better do, quickly.
If you happen to know another sucker for romance like this human being whose writing you are reading, you'd better give them a favor by giving back that extra mile they took for you.
...and try, always try seeing things from the eye of this romantic lunatic, because the world then can appear much sweeter, really! Just imagine if everybody is honest with everybody, everybody helps everybody, and everybody being sweet with their loved ones :)

such a heavy thought to pour in the midst of the night.

Friday, July 11, 2014

dumber than dumb

As if I weren't as dumb as donkeys, I stood tall admitting that I wouldn't have had fallen to the same hole
The same hole that cripples me

But here it comes,  here it goes, the big hole
...and I'm falling to the same mistake, dangling in the air, to the same bottom all over again

Disattachment is best.

Monday, June 02, 2014

let's be brutally honest

Hi blog, been missing you for long.

I'm currently updating from a very random place on a sunny, good morning :)
Listened to the song Reload from my headset, and can't help not to reflect on how my life has been going like a roller coaster these past few months!

To name a few, I just slept only for good 2,75 hours last night, to wake up so early this morning, do some papers, work on my project on 10 AM, and the list goes on... Lol

Even being a roller coaster ride, life can't get any more fun! One random thought: just realized how much I've grown up from a kissing memory. Lol I know how vulgar it is to post it online. But you just know you just get older when your kisses now involve more booze and less consciousness.

Another random thought: I am now older because I (can) drink black coffee for breakfast. A few years back that would be a laughable fact.

And last but not least, me being brutally honest as usual, I am in love again :) Let's hope for the best. I am tired of heartbreaks, losing people from my life, and starting over again. Let this lasts. I know how cliche that may sound, but after all this time.......