Saturday, October 10, 2015


It's my 22nd birthday in 13 days.

I can't help but feel all grown up?

Like my youthful, playful days have passed me by, and here it comes, to what a senior once put it into terms (laughable, at that time), "hidup tak berkesudahan".

I always have this fear in the back of my mind of growing old, miserably old, buried in problems. Unending problems that you don't even realize when it begins. Extracted that from the lives of the elders around me, and I think the scare of this un-coming problems has already rooted into me.

Not sure if anyone else faces the same problem, but here I am admitting it, it's eating me. If I share this to elders most probably some will shrug it off and say, it's the quarter-life crisis. Or say, just live with it, take a deep breath, and get through it.

But I am not sure, it's a thought, it's a fear, and I haven't been able to synthesize the antidote to this fear, let alone fully internalizing it. The "let it flow" mindset.

All I know is that life passes me by, and before you know it, some problems pass.
I can let go of all the work and relationship problems and say "these too shall pass". But I can't let go of my own fear(?).

On top of that, I miss someone so far away now. Doing a long distance relationship with bare minimum contact is so not-Tessa-ish.

Nevertheless, it makes me wonder further though. What if this kind of thing will happen often in life, as we get older, it's the work requirement? Education requirement? etc. etc

WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO ME if that's the case???

So much fear to pour on one post.
Maybe it's true. An idle mind is the devil's workshop. :(